Bachelor 22.02 Recap – Krystal Eats a Lozenge

Ahh, here we are again, down to a field of nineteen women, willing to embarrass themselves on national television to win the heart of a man whose great achievement is previously losing a reality competition where the criteria are looking good and being the most emotionally stable option of thirty other insecure failed male models. In other words, a prize.

“Arie makes me lose my words a little bit.”

-Some woman with questionable self-esteem.

And here we go. I didn’t watch the early seasons of the Bachelor, but I can’t imagine the women always deified the bachelor from day 1 the way they do now. These sad girls scream about him right away, as if he’s the greatest thing ever created. Becca says, “Arie is what I’m here for,” when she should be saying, “potential love is what I’m here for.” They’ve already decided, and they’ve literally known this dude for one damn day.

Becca K

I love how the women cheer for Becca K when she gets the first date, but then they shit talk her the second she walks out the door. Juicy.

On their one on one, Arie and Becca have the standard conversation that always happens on these damn dates:

Girl: Is your heart open?

Bachelor: It is, but I’m afraid of getting hurt. I opened it before and I got hurt.

Girl: I appreciate how open and honest you are. I’ve had my heart broken too.

*make out*



When I found out Krystal got the second date, I did barf in my mouth. Just a little bit.

But, then, I have to admit, after she had a little bit of screen time, I didn’t hate her. She’s not quite as flighty as she appeared during her first appearance. She’s got that mystical kindergarten teacher thing going on. The raspy voice is a bit too much, though, still. Someone get that girl a lozenge.

My wife: Why don’t they ever eat their damn date food?

The Group Date

I like these competitive dates. It’s much better than a series of conversations consisting of walking to some bench somewhere to chat. Here, they play demolition derby.

I have to say, when Analiese relates her bumper car incident backstory, and they show the slow-mo dramatization of that horrific incident, the wife and I died laughing. Great stuff. DRAMA!!! And, of course, they give her a story arc that she conquers her fear. Hero’s journey!

Bibiana also seems to want to give Chelsea a run for her money as the resident diva when she storms out and threatens the cameraman. I can’t wait for them to get all up in each other’s faces. You know it’s coming.

The Final Day

I’m already sick of seeing Arie make out with these women. Tongues are gross, y’all. For real.

Also, Krystal, who already has a rose, steals time with Arie. Maybe she’s got more balls than I thought. Could it be… a third diva?

Turns out, I was wrong. Bibiana didn’t get all up in Chelsea’s face. Chelsea is actually quite subdued this evening. The beef is with Krystal. The producers can only focus on one antagonist at a time. I’m sure Chelsea will reclaim her crown as the diva soon, if they all make it to next week. I’m sure they will. It’s too exciting for any of them to go home yet.

Bibiana gets the final, suspenseful rose. I wonder how much the producers tip the scales when it comes to the troublesome ones.

Until next week!


See all my bachelor recaps here.

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2018-01-12T20:39:19+00:00 January 9th, 2018|Review|