Tonight on the Bachelor…
Chelsea will remind us that she’s a single mom. In case you forgot.
Here we go
We start off in Paris, which is allegedly a romantic city, but it just looks dirty to me. No offense or nothin. But, their big-ass boat is pretty amazeballs. Maybe the producers thought the added element of seasickness would season the pot with a little extra drama.
Are these women jet lagged? They seem to be holding it together pretty well.
Host Chris tells us that, along with 1:1 dates and a group date, we’re getting our first 2:1 date this week. Fuck yeah. This is the kind of cutthroat, high-stakes shit we need!
The woman that Hurricane Krystal describes as “soft” is awarded the first 1:1 date with Arie. She wears a romper, and as an old white man, I’m still a little mad that the romper is a thing. And I don’t even want to talk about the romphim.
Anyway, mega quiet Lauren and Arie have a weird moment of not talking too much on the bench outside some old-ass building. She seems to be living inside her anxiety over the date, and Arie gives us the confessional ultimatum just before commercial… she better open up, or she’s gone! GAWN!
And after flashes back to the boat where Krystal says some stuff (I don’t even care anymore), we cut back to Arie and Lauren at a fancy dinner. Arie pokes and prods and Lauren barely moves her mouth.
“I mean, I understand that, you know what I mean?”
Lauren says she puts guys in the friend zone because she can’t trust right away. Well, get over it, sister, this is the big leagues. Arie tells a heartbreaking story about a breakup and a miscarriage or something like that (I wasn’t really listening), and Lauren counters with some mumbles about her parents not having a good marriage and so she thinks all men are brutes. That’s not going to cut it. Arie needs to smell the blood in the water. Open up!
She warms up a little by telling about her prior engagement, and her fear about how she won’t be enough for him. Getting better, but still not enough.
So, with all the tension at the beginning of the date, it’s supposed to be surprising that he gives her the rose. But, we can see the story arc… her opening up gradually, him seeing more and more of her. And I appreciate that she closes out her confessional segment by saying she could fall in love with him.
They go to the Moulin Rouge, which I know nothing about. I mean, I saw the movie in 2001, but I was on acid and all I remember were some pretty colors and people dancing. But, that about sums it up, doesn’t it?
Exposed butts (with big black squares over them), sparkly things, big fuzzy hats. I have no idea what’s going on. All I know is there’s a competition element to it, in that the rose winner gets to participate in a real performance. To dance with Arie on stage.
Drinks and conversation at some little place with lots of velvet. A rose sitting on a dinner tray, and all the ladies steal glances at it in between bits of superficial chat with each other.
Youngun Bekah M gets the rose, which continues to baffle me. I can’t image what I would have in common with a 22-year-old. Arie says he’s falling for her, and I just don’t get it.
Aww, yeah. It’s go time. The night before, they’re all freaking out about it. Except for Krystal, of course, who is incapable of feeling regular human emotions aside from blind confidence.
It’s Krystal vs Kendall! I know who I want to win. Especially after Krystal goes all preemptive sore winner, when she hasn’t even gone on the damn date yet.
At a French chateau, they wander around, looking at old stuff. Arie says he’s giving Krystal a “second chance.” And, he’s got questions about Kendall, because her longest relationship is only ten months long. Jeez, she’s only like 26 years old, she’s not exactly even old enough to have had the five-year relationships yet. Cut her some slack, Arie. Don’t send Kendall home.
Arie confronts Krystal about her blowup last week, and Krystal gives the most nonsensical answer for why she was a petty and crazy person then that it really drives home what a petty, crazy person she is. I don’t understand how Arie didn’t see this weeks ago. And dumb ol’ Arie buys her non-explanation hook, line and sinker.
And then, Krystal seems to blow it all by shit-talking Kendall. What are you thinking? You can see it in Arie’s face that he thinks it’s so basic and narrow-minded. Ugh. Maybe he likes them hot and crazy. She excels on both spectrums.
Good for Kendall for confronting Krystal for saying all that stuff. Krystal says a lot of stuff. Really stupid stuff. Stuff that makes no sense to a rational human being. And Kendall takes the high road by paying Krystal compliments when giving feedback, which she doesn’t have to. Good for you.
Arie punts on the decision, and leaves it up to dinner.
“I have a lot of emotions that I feel.”
More scathing looks at dinner before Arie arrives. When Kendall says, “Krystal lives in a delusion… she says a lot of hurtful stuff,” I’m like, preach it, sister. That’s what I’ve been saying for weeks.
And that’s why I’m so gratified when Kendall gets the rose and Krystal gets shown the door. I’m so over her, I’m not even going to comment on her excruciating exit interview bullshit.
Who’s going to be the new villain? I’m guessing it will be the Return of Single Mom Chelsea.
Remember me talking about “socks” last week? It’s time for Sock Jacqueline and her giant eyes to get their turn.
First up, clothes shopping for fancy things. Arie describes her as intelligent, goofy, but we haven’t seen any of these things yet. She does seem quite charming in her confessionals.
After shopping, another boring dinner with off-camera food and a rose on the table. Jacqueline compulsively touching her hair.
Dinner convo gets heavy as she talks about college and it turns tense for some reason that I’m never quite clear on. Something about giving up her dreams? So, they make it seem like he’s inches away from sending her home before they pull the switcheroo and she gets the rose. I don’t understand what just happened. The last-second plot twist rose-give is a definite trend on this season.
Let’s Wrap It Up
One last rose ceremony, no cocktail party. Arie putting on his suit and tie as the ladies clack their high heels on the ground. In some weird funhouse thing with carousel horses? I don’t even know anymore.
This week’s chopping block: Chelsea and Jenna. Guess I was wrong about the villain on deck. Maybe Bekah? I could see Youngun stepping up to be the evil one.
We’ll find out next week!
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